There’s this question that has been going around in my head non-stop: Is it egotistical to be proud of yourself?
This is something that has been plaguing my mind throughout the week and I thought I would share some advice with you all!
The past month, a lot of crazy good things have been happening in my life, from work opportunities to university events which have no doubt been not just good for my CV but for my self-worth.
You see, I have a very low self-worth, I always have and with this, I became egotistical from a young age. The lonely child inside of me made me push to go to Queens and get good grades to be better than everyone else. I wanted to move away from here to be better, hell I even thought that being friends with people who I had nothing in common with would make me look better. These things made me egotistical but not because I thought I was amazing, it was because I was afraid for everyone to actually get to know me. I didn’t believe in myself and I didn’t want anyone to get close to me. I never called anyone my best friend in case they left and I never spoke to people in class, not because I had nothing to say but in case they began to see the real me.
(Me Back in 2013, hiding behind a smile)
But these things that I thought would excel me into greatness where the reason that I was restricted, that I held back and that I missed opportunities in my life. It wasn’t until a few years ago that my life changed and it wasn’t until a few months ago that I realised that it had changed for the good.
(Me before I started counselling last year)
At the end of summer when I finished counselling, I didn’t know what would happen to me, I thought I would maybe go back to my old ways of sitting in silence suffering for nothing but the guilt I inflicted on myself. And I did do that for a while, I ate mostly junk food, I was judgmental of everyone and the worst part about it was that I was very judgmental in myself. You wouldn’t believe it but that was the start of September. Before I created this blog. And before I slowly started to climb out of my self-made rut.
But back to the present, I’m currently doing well at my job, I have so many friends that I couldn’t even imagine, I am enjoying every aspect of university and I’ve been blessed with some very exciting emails and projects. I am happy. But does that mean that I have a big ego?
For now, in my life, I have decided that I don’t. This doesn’t feel like it used to, where I tried to hide my lack of self-worth by my achievements. I don’t need any achievements to know that I am where I’m meant to be. And although I know that I am not 100% there I know that I have some self-worth and that I deserve happiness.
I made a mistake during the last half of 2017 not posting anything to my blog, I was falling back into the rut and was so anxious
about what I was putting out into the world. But I’ve missed this. I have a lot of ideas that I want to do this blog and I think that 2018 is the year to do it.